Touch & Go (Part 2)

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Yes, the end is always inevitable. That's also one thing I learned, and I'm pretty sure everyone knows this too. Yet we still continue to start new relationships that we know will have their finales, one way or another. It's one of those never-ending cycles of life that we have to learn how to deal with. Like I said, people are social beings.Relationships are essential to one's survival.
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So how does one deal with the end of a relationship? It's quite simple actually. You just have to go on living your life like you've always had before you entered it. Anyway, you have survived all these years prior to it, right? It's just that simple! But in reality, it's always easier said than done.
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Once I was in this relationship, which I knew could never be, thinking that if I knew what's going to happen, I'd already know what to do. So when the time for closure comes, it would be a lot easier to deal with because I am prepared. Well, it ended all right, as expected. But what I didn't expect was what happened in between, and the sadness that comes after it. Oh, and don't forget the memories. those damn memories, so overwhelming, it haunted me every second of every day. for a while that is. After some time, I guess you could say I was back to normal. But for me, everything else became different then.
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They say time heals all wounds. I say that's nothing but hypocritical bull' that we just say to ourselves to create this illusion that we've moved on with our lives and that we're better off now than before. But if you think about it, when you remember old times, it brings back the pain and the sadness that you once had, especially for those people who like to cling to the past. Then comes the what-ifs and what-could've-beens, which makes you hope that you can bring back the past, or make you wish that you shouldn't have let it happen in the first place. Ah yes. Regrets. Now that's adding insult to injury. It is for this reason that people are afraid to enter a relationship again. For the most part, it is because it's something that they are always afraid to lose. I should know`cause I was that kind of person. I was such a sentimental fool.
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Time heals all wounds. I used to believe in that too. But as I continue learning, I finally believed otherwise. Time can only make you wiser. not to mention older (and I hated that fact). It's like the scab that protects the wound as it heals. But once scratched off, the wound bleeds again, and the cut grows even deeper. If anything, I believe it is love. Yes LOVE, not time, which heals all wounds. If you believe that you have the capacity to love again (and I'm not just speaking of romantic love), that's the only time you'll know you're completely healed. When you learn the value of true love, you will never be afraid to touch more lives and you can go on living amidst the scars that you've gotten from your past. When that happens, and you try to reminisce those intricate relationships you've had with people, you'd just find it all as funny. and that's all there is to it.
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Life they say is touch and go. In life, we'll always be in and out of relationships with people... people who could be there for only some time. Some of them might stray. But most of them will eventually go away.
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But remember this: Only those people who truly love you who will always try to find ways to stay. I guess I still am a sentimental fool after all.

Touch & Go (Part 1)

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There truly comes a time in a person's life when you realize that life is indeed just touch and go.

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We try to look back at the things that happened in our past and reminisce the intricate web of relationships we've had with people. Then in the middle of daydreaming, we would stop and ask ourselves, "Where are they now?" It's funny when you think about it, that at one point in your life you have been really close with a person you always thought you knew very well inside out. The next thing you know, you don't even have the slightest clue on what's going on with that person anymore. Or if they even think of you still. Funny. Yes. Funny but sad at the same time. It's a fact that no man is an island. People are social beings and they need to interact with others in order to survive. I am a person; therefore I am a social being. I loved being with people. I loved making friends. And most of all, I love getting into different sorts of relationships, touching lives and being touched by them in the process.

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Yes, I was socially inclined. and I still am, but now just in a downgraded fashion. I suddenly found myself, turning down invitations to gimmicks or parties, whereas I used to be always game. I guess as time passes by, it seems to get harder and harder to involve yourself with just anybody, may it be a new acquaintance, a new friend, or a new love interest. I guess experience teaches you that. But some people just never learn. Well, I learned my lesson.

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I started learning at the tender age of ten. While all the other kids my age don't even care about anything else but playtime, that young I was forced to grow up immaturely. Learning the painful way that not all people are to be trusted. They may seem good to you and you may think they know better, but I realized that that doesn't really matter. Because when you know better, consequently, you know worse. And people can take advantage of the better to do the worse. With that known, I never trusted anybody but myself. So much so that when I interact with people, I always have my guard up, thinking at the back of my head that they always have a hidden agenda in mind.

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True enough, I guess people always have hidden agendas when dealing with others. Maybe they just don't realize it, or maybe they just do it subconsciously. And I admit I am like that too. But as I grew, I learned that not all these hidden agendas are bad. They can work to your benefit, and that usually happens both ways. That's how relationships should work, right? Sadly though, they almost always never work that way. And if that's not bad enough, they end up in a mess.

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to be continued..

A day in the Office

"Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Cuehlo

Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn’t have the courage to say “yes” to life?

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I’ve realized that sometimes you get no second chance and that it’s best to accept the gifts the world offers you. If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself. If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre love out of my system. The little experience of life I’ve had has taught me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion – and that applies to material as well as spiritual things. Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

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And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting my time looking after things that aren’t mine; it’s best to live as if today were the first (or last) day of my life.

Kids!

I spent the weekend with my niece. She's 7 years old, she practically grew up with me. She's really smart and funny. She likes books about greek mythology and egyptology. Ask her about Tutankhamen and Cleopatra and she could go on and on and on.

Anyway, last friday we were in a bookstore when her mom handed me a book about a prince or something like that (I wasn't interested so I don't remember). But then my niece, in all her panic, said noooo! You can't read that! You might fall in love and you can't fall in love!

Well, I said what do you think Love is?

I could see in her eyes that she was contemplating whether to answer me truthfully or not.

She decided to strike a deal. She said " I will tell you what I think but only what I think ok. It's not the real answer but you have to promise not to tell anyone."

She said " I think love is magic. But some people, like when the husbands are cheating on the moms, they think love stinks!"

Then she goes, what about you? What do you think is the meaning of love?

I almost panicked. I didn't have an answer. What can I say to a 7 year old kid without showing how jaded I've become? and without affecting what she thought? Did I want her not to think that love stinks? Or do I confirm that love does stink?

It's a good thing her mom walked in on us at that moment. I changed the subject. But until now, I keep thinking what I would have answered.

What is the answer? I don't know.

Funny

I live beside a mini-mall. More like a big supermarket with cinemas and stuff.
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On my way home last night, I checked out the board that listed the movies currently showing.
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The first movie on the list was a movie called "Lick".
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I wondered what was that movie and thought that it sort of had a funny name for a real movie. An x-rated movie maybe...
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That's when I realized that it was missing a letter. The letter "C".
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Apparently the new movie of Adam Sandler "Click" is now called "Lick".
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Haha!

Last Night

I had a dream last night, and I can't get it out of my head.
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It was so vivid i thought it was really happening but I remember actually thinking that it was only a dream. Imagine that, even in my dreams the cynic in me never fails to show itself. I remember the feelings inside me though. I remember trying to analyze them. I felt intrigued by what was going on around me and at the same time I felt insecure, so much so that I hesitated in confronting him and confronting my fears. Most of the time I deny my insecurities when I'm awake, but I guess you can never escape the truth.
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Seriously though, it was a very cheesy, my dream. I remember that the man was a pilot, quite ridiculous since I don't know any at all. I was with my friend and I was looking at him (the pilot). We were in some kind of aircraft, a plane most probably since it looked like one but it felt more like a building than a plane. He was securing the place and making sure that the people were ok. We looked at each other and I knew what he was thinking. I'm not going to say what it was and risk sounding even more stupid but it felt like I was being challenged to believe and risk all that is important to me. Weird! Then I was back in my apartment, a different one from where I live now but I knew it was my place. He was siiting in his car outside, I would say just like a stalker. Haha! But not really. Anyway, I will stop there as I would really like to keep the details to myself.

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I am writing about this because for some reason, and I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but usually my dreams happen in real life. Not right away though, usually about 2 or 3 years later. Not all of them, thank God as I remember I used to have a recurring dream about being chased by a killer! The other time I dreamt I was in this wedding and this girl warned me that I shouldn't pursue something that wasn't meant for me. I worried a bit about that but quickly forgot about it.

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Oh well.

A Statement

A friend sent me this today, and I thought I'd like to share it.

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As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

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Don't be afraid that your life will end,be afraid that it will never begin.

Things I've Learned

I've learned...

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that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

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I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

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I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

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I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

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I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

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I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

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I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

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I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

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I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

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I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

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I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

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I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Thank God it's Friday!

Halleluyah!
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I've got another date with the dentist tomorrow. I'm trlling you, she's draining me man! When oh when will this be over?!

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I'm really just glad that the week is over though. I have to find myself a new apartment and pack my stuff but that's ok. I'll figure it out. I always have. Besides, I don't exactly have a choice. I have to find a new place or be homeless. It really is stupid of me coz I should've just fixed it so the lease on my current apartment would end by next year instead I fucked up.
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Whatever!
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My motto is never get yourself in a mess you can't get out of. So I know that I will post a picture of my new empty apartment here soon and this problem will be soon behind me.
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Hasta mañana! I hope I have a great weekend!

What is a bastard?

I was surfing around and found this from jokemail. I find it quite hilarious so I thought I'd share it with you.
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I'm still trying to get a hang of this blogging since I'm not exactly tech savvy, but here's the link in case you need a laugh.
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http://jokemail.blogspot.com/
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Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions like,
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“What is a bastard?”
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And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

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In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.
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The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

Step Up!

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Ok I can't help it. I'm a dance movie freak and it helps too that I think Channing Tatum is really really hot!

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I can't wait till the movie comes out! In the meantime, I settle for watching the movie trailer about 10 times a day! Ok, I'm exaggerating. I do have better things to do than drool over Channing my love! But I must admit, it's very very tempting.

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http://au.movies.yahoo.com/Step+Up/movie/15617/

When all else fails..

relax...see a movie...

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Lately I've been contemplating on what I should do with my life next. Ok ok, I do that all the time. But what can I do? I can't help it. So anyway, if everything were the way it was supposed to be, I would enroll in the review center and schedule the exam that would forever chang my life.

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But life isn't the way it is. So what do I do? What I do best, procrastinate.

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Shit.

Free

I miss diving. I miss my pals. I miss my life when it wasn't so complicated. I know that time passed will never be again, but sometimes I wish we had the ability to going back to moments where complication isn't a part of your everyday life.

Yawn...

Ok, someone congratulate me! I spent the weekend in pain and survived! The dreaded appointment with the dentist finally happened. She had to do a few root canals and if I were honest, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I've made a few more appointments for the next few weekends and I have mad up my mind not to procrastinate. Procrastinating is the source of all my problems, the bill I'm going to get from the dentist is proof of that.
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Before going to the dentist, I decided to enroll myself in a spanish language class. (Another proof of my procrastination) If you didn't know me, you would probably think it was an impulsive decision. But actually it wasn't. I've been wanting to advance my knowledge of the spanish language since forever that I've actually taken the first level twice. This will be my third time, hopefully the last of my first level experience. I plan to go all the way, or at least as far as I could go. My predicament now is that I can't decide whether I should go after work on weekdays or once a week on weekends. Going on weekdays would get me to the advanced level faster, but the schedule isn't that great since class would finish late at night, and it isn't exactly located in the best part of town. Going on weekends would take much longer, twice as long as the weekday schedule. Oh well, decision decision.
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I came to work today sporting a headache. I wouldn't have come in at all if not for the trouble it would cost me. So here I am, in one of those boring meetings, hoping they wouldn't notice that I am paying zero attention to their babbling.
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I'm meeting my friend tonight for our usual dinner/movie thing. I wonder what we will watch. I've seen all the good ones and so has he. I'm really not looking forward to watching anything that would entail brain function, I'd be happy with good food and a drink.

Moving On

Time offers the only foolproof way to understand the importance of any relationship. I’m not talking about the length of the relationship itself (that's not a valid indicator, no, not at all). I’m talking about the time it takes to finally let go.

He was the one who made the final speech but I knew that we were headed there. We met in a coffee shop, public enough to control the situation, control me, should it get out of hand. We made small talk for a moment and then I was silent. If he was going to be the one ending the relationship, he was the one who was going to have to make the speech. He did. "I will always love you, but..." was the basic gist of it. I was silent. Not a single tear, not a single whimper, not a single word of protest. (I found out later that he should have used the “I found someone else” speech) I sat for probably two minutes, forcing myself not to give in to the urge of hurling something in his direction. What for? I knew it was over even before it ended, I was expecting it. But nothing really prepares you for the inevitable no matter how much you tell yourself that its better this way. But what if? What if? What if? I couldn’t deny what I felt. I was shattered.

It was the first time I fell in love. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in relationships before, but nothing like this. This was the first time I gave in to the intense need of my soul to connect with someone else. The first time I put down all my defenses and let someone in. I gave in and suffered the consequences. I still am. I’d like to think that I live my life without any regrets. I believe that one should stand firm in every decision one makes. As life throws you punches you either roll with it or you stand your ground. Either way, you get over it. But as my pain consumed me, I found myself unsure of how to move on. I’m a strong person. I thrive in my independence. And there I was, broken, and there was nothing I could do but feel the pain and hope against hope that it would end soon.

I stopped living. I merely existed. No one knew of the battle I was going through. Not my family, not my friends. Only a couple of my most trusted friends knew, and even then they did not know the extent of the damage done. Sometimes I actually found myself quite amusing, it felt like all the bloody clichés in the world applied to me. (World shattering, heart breaking and all that) I tried picking up the pieces and go through the motions of life. Yes, as embarrassed as I was to admit, I realized that I was just as gullible as the next person, I was fooled. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? I allowed my world to revolve around the two of us, and when it was over I was lost. And now I have to pay the price.

So why, if the memories are bittersweet, do I find myself rehashing old wounds? I guess it’s because I believe that you can never really move forward till you’ve let go of the past. Till you’ve had closure and understand the reasons behind the reasons. It has been a while, more than a year… almost two… Moments of remembering ar now far and between still I know I have yet to fully recover. Each time I take one step forward I brace myself for the fear that tries to overpower me. The insecurity that overwhelms me. The thing is, how does one move on? Literally move on. I find myself wanting to escape to a new life, a new city, a new job, new friends and most importantly wanting a new me. I want it so much I can feel it to the depths of my soul.

William Shakespeare says, "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

I did all three. But I guess I should focus more on number two next time. Some people just don't know how to handle love; they end up hurting you instead of loving you back. Might it be true that not all people deserve to be loved?

Still, I remember that night quite vividly. I remember the feeling. I realized that emotional ties may simply come to erode and fray with time and, finally (unexpectedly), snap one day. I discovered that hearts may (in fact, may even need to)…someday…simply let go.

Sleep Anyone?

If you haven't gone through chronic insomnia you can NOT believe the horror of the thing. If you haven't tossed all night without a wink and faced this torture nightly, then you cannot believe the terror that brings kings to their knees. If you haven't dragged yourself around blearily the day after, apologizing to all that you didn't sleep a wink, you can NOT imagine the grogginess and emotional suffering that goes with it and the way people come to believe you're a nut or at very least, a secret cocaine addict. Or worse, they think that you're such a passionate female that with your single lifestyle, you simply cannot relax, ever. That you're obviously 'not getting any!' (and MOM, if you're reading this, I meant that in the most wholesome sense of the word!)

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If you have this cannot punch-your-own-lights out condition, and the ancillary embarrassment, you GOTTA get power over it. Fatigue is the cause of fear, anxiety and chronic depression. Fatigue AGES and leaves the door open for serious mental problems including schizophrenia, paranoia, all of which can be caused by a lack of sleep! Most of us just have poor FOCUS from those two hour nights, but isn't that enough?

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You can click on this lick to see a detailed description as to what insomnia is and help you try to cure it. http://www.help-me-to-sleep.com/insomnia/

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Now, if only it were that simple.

Serenity

--Reinhold Niebuhr

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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

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Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Seriously

Seriously. It's an awesome word. Said correctly, it can convey sarcasm, dismay, disbelief, a sense of moral and ethical superiority and gentle chastising punishment all at once. Seriously.
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Although it's been a long-standing expression of mine, I've picked it up again over the weekend during my Grey's anatomy DVD marathon. I actually finished season 1 & 2 during my weekend hibernation without any hiccups. Ok that was a weekend an a half. I decided to take the two days complimentary leave I had to give myself some "me" time. I quite liked it really, Grey's anatomy, if not for Meredith Grey being such a wimp and a disgrace to all women every now and then. But I guess it's here flawed nature that endears her to most viewers. Her lack of good judgement during a crisis reminds us all of ourselves. And who am I to judge really? If I myself am nothing but flawed as well. The thing I like most about shows like these though is that I get to play the 'what if?' game. I ask myself what would I do if faced with that kind of situation. Then I grade myself depending on the level of the intellectual and emotional maturity of my answers. I know, I really do need to get a life. But hey, it's all good.

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Overall though, despite the fact that Meredith Grey is so spineless and Mcdreamy being a wimp, there are some charachters that help salvage the show. I cried buckets on the last show of the second season when Izzy fell in love with a heart transplant who in the end died. I also like Alex, probably the least liked of all five interns. He can be such an arrogant pig but I feel that there's really more to him than he's willing to show. I bet he is deliberately trying to be an ass to protect himself from geting hurt. I can't wait to see the third season and see how the characters of Izzy and Alex develop. One of my favorite scenes is when the wife of Mcdreamy, Addison, shows up and says to Meredith, "you must be the girl who's scrwing my husband". Hah! There's just something so satisfying in that kind of in-your-face attitude. (That says a lot about me huh?)
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Well anyway, one of the reasons I went in hibernation last weekend was to figure out what I wanted to do in my life. Or at least what I wanted to do in the next year or so. I went through brochures and figured out my plan of action. First of all, I've finally scheduled an appointment with the freaking dentist. I know, big deal. But I've put it off for as long as I can so believe me when I say that this is a good thing.
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I've looked into the classes I'd like to take, the tests, and some courses. I'm not going to go into details since I could be a bit superstitious about these things believing that if you tell the whole world then it won't happen. I still need to prepare a more detailed plan but I'm happy knowing that I'm on the road to recovery.
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Seriously.

Drama

"Drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back..."