Flying Home

You know all that crap about home being where the heart is? Well, what if you don't know where your heart's at? What if you go through your days acting like a nomad and living out of a suitcase? That's exactly how I've been feeling for the past year. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel. The excitement of packing and flying off to a new destination and everything that comes with it. I even like the fact that there's nothing holding me back (relationship-wise at least). But when the time comes for me to go home, I pause and think to myself "where exactly is that?". In my weak moments, it makes me sad to be so unsure, to feel as if I don't really belong anywhere... During those times I tell myself that someday, someday I'll find that place and maybe find that person. In the meantime, I'm trying my best not to hold my breath!

So what brought about this contemplative mood again? Well, I'm supposed to fly home this weekend for my (working) Christmas break. And again I get that feeling of not really belonging. I only call it home because of my nationality, but aside from that nothing really holds me to that place. Of course I visit a few relatives almost out of obligation, but aside from that really there's nothing else. So again I ask myself when will I ever be just content with what I have? What's missing? What's so wrong with the way things are? When will I ever find the bloody answers?!

Waste of Space

I hate to say it, but some people are born to be assholes. Or maybe their mothers turned them into one. I don't know. The point is some people can be such a disappointment? I mean if you can't be a decent person then the least you can do is stay away from decent people.

There's this guy I know, he walks around thinking that he's all that. He likes to knock people down first and then show them that he, and he alone hold the tools to pick them up - and then they're eternally grateful. It's a strange way to make himself important. To me, it's just hypocrisy.

Anyhow, I'm not really a person that likes to bow down and give you what you want. Which is probably why I'm like a target to people like him. It's pretty difficult to deal with a bitch like me especially when you're an asshole. Thank god I can be such a bitch!

Discovery Channel: I Love This!

PC vs. MAC

"Where are you headed? To something or someone good or are you just spending your life wading through one day to the next?"

Coincidence

Is there such a thing as pure coincidence?

I've wondered all my life about what has happened to him? To the man I called 'dad'..Most of the time I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never find out. But a part of me, just a small part, is still hoping that maybe one day I will get the answers I am looking for.

It's weird. I feel that I need to know, the need to find him. It's probably because there's no closure. Funny coz at times whenI try to analyze myself (which I admit is quite often) I know that all my issues is somehow connected to him. The feelings of inadequacy, distrust, suspicion, abandonment and all the toppings that go with it can be directly connected to my relationship (or lack thereof) with him.

The only good thing about this whole thing is I get to push things out of my mind. It's not that hard to pretend. Pretend that everything's ok? Fine. I can pretend when I really have to. Except for moments like these. For some weird twist of fate, it turns out that (get this!) the boyfriend of the half-sister of my half-brother has the same name as him. I can even see some similarities ( or it's probably my over-active imagination). Are they related? I don't know. And I don't think I'll ever have the courage to find out. Still...the wheels of my mind are turning, again. And, as I said, it could simply be a coincidence and it probably is. It's just that a small part of me is hoping that it's not a coincidence. Maybe..just maybe, if it's not then I can finally have the closure that's been long overdue.

"No one would love me if they knew, all the things I hide..."

Bothered..

I always knew that I would be back someday. I knew that I couldn’t really stay away. Ever since I was little I always had to find a way to express what I felt inside or shall I say vent. Yes, I’m the rant and rave type of person but that’s beside the point really. Usually when I feel sad or lost I write. Not exactly a good thin is it? I’m not even good at it. Occasionally even I get tired of hearing or in this case reading about myself whining at every little injustice that the world has dealt me.

So why am I back? I guess I’ve already established that I’m lost. Again. Shit. What a fuck-up! I know, I know. I keep telling myself that I’m going to have to grow up someday and I swear, I keep waiting for it to happen. Someone once said to me, right after he asked me my age (which I’m not going to share with the blogging world), that I was barely out of nappies. I replied by saying that sometimes I feel like I’m still wearing them. And at that moment I swear I meant every word. Life’s just too fucked up you know. You always keep wanting more, never content on what you have. Yes they say that you should strive for the best. But when does it ever stop? When will this hypocrisy end? And when, for chrissake, will I ever learn my lesson?!

So here I am again. Alone. Lost. And wandering aimlessly in this farce called life. It’s just so damn ironic how some people would work their whole lives hoping to achieve what comes naturally to me everyday. The places I’ve been to, the things I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, it’s nothing short of amazing. And yet, I want more. And I’m not sure if I’m in the right state of mind, body and soul to want more. Sigh…

Time Out

I'm currently on a blogging break since it doesn't make sense to try and keep online when most of the time I'm out in the "Bush". I hope to continue blogging again someday since this is my only way to vent out my frustrations in life. For now I guess I should just be content with writing my thoughts down on scraps of paper...at least that's much better than writing them down on leaves!

Lost Again

A few days ago I was bawling my eyes out over something my aunt said. Let's just say that the skeletons in my closet came rushing out and my insecurities were staring me in the eyes mocking me. So question myself I did with questions about my worth and my direction in life. It sucks to be me I tell you. One minute I'm unbreakable, the next I feel so worhtless.

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This change I'm going thru is taking it's toll on me I swear. Why are we so scared of the unknown? Isn't there a saying about going with the flow and rolling with the punches or something like that. I hate weak people so I try to be strong but the truth is inside, I feel weak too at times.

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When is it going to end?

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Yes. The time has finally come. In exactly ten days from now I'm taking off to a new country and a new job. Well, it's nothing really glamorous but the pay is good.

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There's just so much to think about. I haven't even started packing! I'm giving up my apartment so you can just imagine the amount of packing that needs to get done. It's quite alright though since when I have nothing to do I just imagine how and where to put my things. Now if I could just get off my ass and actually do it that would be great!

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The thing that's bothering me the most I guess is that I literally don't know when I'll be back again. So I start out with a 5 month consultancy contract then I decide what to do with my life then. But if I were brutally honest with myself, I'm hesitating because of a certain person. Aww, shit! What to do? What to do? Nothing is forever I know but here I am dragging my feet when I knew from the start that this is just going nowhere...

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Anyway, yes! I'm going to a place that's known to have cannibals. And since I consider myself on the yummy side I just might be in over my head. Goodluck to me! Who would've known that a country with cannibals would hire me as a consultant huh? But it's a step-up for my career really. And if they decide that they don't like my work then it's really no big loss unless they decide to eat me. Hahaha! Seriously though, I don't think I'm actually going to encounter cannibals but as I say, never get yourself in situations you can't get out of. (Yes people! That includes relationships!)

I'm a Mess

Yes that's right. I'm a mess. Pfft! And the corny thing is that you wouldn't even know it. I'm a mess inside. Ew! How cheesy can I get?!

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The thing is, I got a job offer a week after I found out I was losing my current job. I should be ecstatic right? Wrong! I mean it's great and a once in a lifetime thing and here I am fretting over the small stuff. What the fuck right?! Tsk. The thing is, we all know it's the small stuff that counts. It's what matters.

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Now that day is fast approaching. I have to leave in exactly 12 days unless I find a way to postpone it. But that's it. I HAVE to leave sooner or later. No ifs and no buts. I know, I know. I'm a big believer in the fact that we always have a choice. It's just that we don't always like the alternative. I finally bit the bullet and sent in that email accepting that assignment. It will upset a lot of people, my family mostly. But the alternative? I don't think I could handle giving up my independence. I've been alone too long.

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I'm leaving...Will you miss me? Will you even think of me? I shouldn't have gotten too comfortable in my comfort zone huh? I've always known that nothing lasts forever but it still doesn't take away the sting when it things actually turn into a reality. I never thought that I would feel this way but I will miss you so much. A part of me wants to keep holding on but deep down I know, that if I don't learn to let go, that will be my downfall, that will break me. God, what did I get myself into? I've always had a plan and I'm sticking to it. But at what cost? I just hope that at the end of our road we will come out of this ok. A few scratches here and there. But ok. Maybe even happier.

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You know what scares me at this moment? It's that you will forget me. That you will move on and handle things much better than I do. And right now, I pray to God that he gives me the strength to handle whatever comes my way.

Haywire

Someone once said that if you wanted to make God laugh then you should tell him your plans.

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Well, he must be rolling on the floor right now then!

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I mean shit man! Things are just getting complicated by the minute it's so stupid. You would think that I was some green kid fresh out of school instead of an adult completely capable of taking care of herself.

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God I'm so confused with what to do with my life! Exactly three weeks from now, I will be out of a job. And here I am still fretting over what to do. The thing that sucks is that whatever I do, it will affect a lot of people. Well, at least people I care about. Oh well...

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Anyway, I just saw the movie Transformers. I've seen it twice actually. I actually liked it. At first I wasn't going to go but after the being nagged to death by my brother I decided to give in and I haven't regretted my decision yet. Except when my brother keeps repeating to him and everyone else "I'm Optimus Prime. 18 wheeler!" over and over again. Only then do I fight with the temptation to throw my shoe at him!!

It's Time For

Change is just around the corner and I'm scared. I know. I'm twenty something years old and I'm afraid of the unknown. You would think that getting to this point in my life didn't involve change. As my mom would say Holy Mackarel!

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That's what I get for staying in my comfort zone. I got comfortable.

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Just think. This time next month, things would be so different. How different I'm not sure. I don't know what to do yet. So I'm not doing anything. As I said, I'm fucking scared.

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Now do I go join that tribe or do I play it safe and run to mommy?

Why?

Sometimes I surprise myself how stupid I get. Really...I shouldn't even be surprised anymore but I've always prided myself to be quite level headed. Independence and wisdom when it comes to life altering decisions is what I value in life...

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But there are moments..Moments of weakness when I seem to lose my direction. Sometimes I wonder where this stupidity will lead me. But you know, the thing is, I'm fully aware that these are stupid decisions. I wonder if my Mother ever felt the same way since God knows she's made somemajor mistakes in her life. The stupid thing is, I seem to be doing the same thing with mine. Much worse really. The guilt and worry I can live with but for how long and at what cost I don't know. I've always been pretty smart, I can usually tell how things are going to end. But if that's the case, why can't I stop myself?

Last Night

I was lying in bed last night holding the hand of my eight year old niece as she was trying her best to fall asleep despite the fact that she was shaking in fear. She had convinced herself that we were surrounded by ghosts. But as I held her small hand in mine, i suddenly had a flashback...

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I was on a plane, crying uncontrollably. I remember the feeling vividly but everything else was fuzzy. I remember feeling that my heart just a little bit more that day. It was as if I was holding my heart and saw that the cracks in it just got a little bit bigger. I had just left New York then. I was on my way back to my country. But the person that mattered most to me I left behind. There was a girl sitting next to me looking, or maybe she was saying it, that whatever it was it couldn't be that bad. You see, it wasn't just anyone I left behind. It was my mom. The thing that I'm still trying to figure out to this day is who left who.

I Believe

I believe in the fundamental truth of all great religions of the world. I believe that they are all God-given and I believe that they were necessary for the people to whom these religions were revealed. And I believe that if only we could all of us read the scriptures of the different faiths from the standpoints of the followers of these faiths, we should find that they were at bottom all one and were all helpful to one another.

- Mahatma Gandhi

Horoscope Schmoroscope

You can’t easily mend a broken heart but you can certainly stop the damage before it gets any worse…

That’s what my horoscope says today. Now what the hell is that supposed to mean??

It means… Dream on dude!

Lost and Wandering

A million things have been going through my mind these past few days... (Ok, so it’s been months!) And as I struggle to get past them, these thoughts that somehow translate into my mood for the moment, it seems that there’s just no getting past them. Not until I face them. Now I could probably put it down to PMS but knowing me, it doesn’t really matter, on way or the other I have to let it out. Somehow I’ve been cursed with being transparent like that.

As I struggle to force myself to sleep tonight, I think about my past. The things I’ve been thru, the friends I’ve lost, and how I lost them. I think about my present, the discontentment that I’ve been feeling, the choices I have made. And the future, what it would feel like to just walk away from it all.

There are moments when I feel the weight of the world…how it hasn’t been fair. And although I often go through bouts of self-pity just to keep things well balanced (yeah right!) I often wonder what it was that I did to deserve the things I’ve been through. And boy, the things I’ve been through. Yes, just like the next person, there are a few people out there that know bits and pieces of me and there are those that think they know me. But no one, not a single soul knows the whole truth. And at the rate things are going, I don’t think anyone ever will. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find the courage to share myself…so far, the answer has remained to be a resounding NO.

I know my thoughts are quite incoherent, aren’t they? I’ve just been so bothered, so lost. And try as I might, I don’t think there’s any way to straighten them out. Hopefully one day I will find the answers to my questions and maybe, just maybe I will also find myself and I will no longer be lost.

Son of a Fucking Bitch!

So they blocked blogger. Fuck!

Yes. That’s the reason why I haven’t been around for the past few months.

The assholes blocked it.

I hope they go to hell. I know, I know… office hours etc. etc.

Fuck off!