Lost and Wandering

A million things have been going through my mind these past few days... (Ok, so it’s been months!) And as I struggle to get past them, these thoughts that somehow translate into my mood for the moment, it seems that there’s just no getting past them. Not until I face them. Now I could probably put it down to PMS but knowing me, it doesn’t really matter, on way or the other I have to let it out. Somehow I’ve been cursed with being transparent like that.

As I struggle to force myself to sleep tonight, I think about my past. The things I’ve been thru, the friends I’ve lost, and how I lost them. I think about my present, the discontentment that I’ve been feeling, the choices I have made. And the future, what it would feel like to just walk away from it all.

There are moments when I feel the weight of the world…how it hasn’t been fair. And although I often go through bouts of self-pity just to keep things well balanced (yeah right!) I often wonder what it was that I did to deserve the things I’ve been through. And boy, the things I’ve been through. Yes, just like the next person, there are a few people out there that know bits and pieces of me and there are those that think they know me. But no one, not a single soul knows the whole truth. And at the rate things are going, I don’t think anyone ever will. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find the courage to share myself…so far, the answer has remained to be a resounding NO.

I know my thoughts are quite incoherent, aren’t they? I’ve just been so bothered, so lost. And try as I might, I don’t think there’s any way to straighten them out. Hopefully one day I will find the answers to my questions and maybe, just maybe I will also find myself and I will no longer be lost.