When all else fails..

relax...see a movie...

.

Lately I've been contemplating on what I should do with my life next. Ok ok, I do that all the time. But what can I do? I can't help it. So anyway, if everything were the way it was supposed to be, I would enroll in the review center and schedule the exam that would forever chang my life.

.

But life isn't the way it is. So what do I do? What I do best, procrastinate.

.

Shit.

Free

I miss diving. I miss my pals. I miss my life when it wasn't so complicated. I know that time passed will never be again, but sometimes I wish we had the ability to going back to moments where complication isn't a part of your everyday life.

Yawn...

Ok, someone congratulate me! I spent the weekend in pain and survived! The dreaded appointment with the dentist finally happened. She had to do a few root canals and if I were honest, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I've made a few more appointments for the next few weekends and I have mad up my mind not to procrastinate. Procrastinating is the source of all my problems, the bill I'm going to get from the dentist is proof of that.
.
Before going to the dentist, I decided to enroll myself in a spanish language class. (Another proof of my procrastination) If you didn't know me, you would probably think it was an impulsive decision. But actually it wasn't. I've been wanting to advance my knowledge of the spanish language since forever that I've actually taken the first level twice. This will be my third time, hopefully the last of my first level experience. I plan to go all the way, or at least as far as I could go. My predicament now is that I can't decide whether I should go after work on weekdays or once a week on weekends. Going on weekdays would get me to the advanced level faster, but the schedule isn't that great since class would finish late at night, and it isn't exactly located in the best part of town. Going on weekends would take much longer, twice as long as the weekday schedule. Oh well, decision decision.
.
I came to work today sporting a headache. I wouldn't have come in at all if not for the trouble it would cost me. So here I am, in one of those boring meetings, hoping they wouldn't notice that I am paying zero attention to their babbling.
.
I'm meeting my friend tonight for our usual dinner/movie thing. I wonder what we will watch. I've seen all the good ones and so has he. I'm really not looking forward to watching anything that would entail brain function, I'd be happy with good food and a drink.

Moving On

Time offers the only foolproof way to understand the importance of any relationship. I’m not talking about the length of the relationship itself (that's not a valid indicator, no, not at all). I’m talking about the time it takes to finally let go.

He was the one who made the final speech but I knew that we were headed there. We met in a coffee shop, public enough to control the situation, control me, should it get out of hand. We made small talk for a moment and then I was silent. If he was going to be the one ending the relationship, he was the one who was going to have to make the speech. He did. "I will always love you, but..." was the basic gist of it. I was silent. Not a single tear, not a single whimper, not a single word of protest. (I found out later that he should have used the “I found someone else” speech) I sat for probably two minutes, forcing myself not to give in to the urge of hurling something in his direction. What for? I knew it was over even before it ended, I was expecting it. But nothing really prepares you for the inevitable no matter how much you tell yourself that its better this way. But what if? What if? What if? I couldn’t deny what I felt. I was shattered.

It was the first time I fell in love. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in relationships before, but nothing like this. This was the first time I gave in to the intense need of my soul to connect with someone else. The first time I put down all my defenses and let someone in. I gave in and suffered the consequences. I still am. I’d like to think that I live my life without any regrets. I believe that one should stand firm in every decision one makes. As life throws you punches you either roll with it or you stand your ground. Either way, you get over it. But as my pain consumed me, I found myself unsure of how to move on. I’m a strong person. I thrive in my independence. And there I was, broken, and there was nothing I could do but feel the pain and hope against hope that it would end soon.

I stopped living. I merely existed. No one knew of the battle I was going through. Not my family, not my friends. Only a couple of my most trusted friends knew, and even then they did not know the extent of the damage done. Sometimes I actually found myself quite amusing, it felt like all the bloody clichés in the world applied to me. (World shattering, heart breaking and all that) I tried picking up the pieces and go through the motions of life. Yes, as embarrassed as I was to admit, I realized that I was just as gullible as the next person, I was fooled. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? I allowed my world to revolve around the two of us, and when it was over I was lost. And now I have to pay the price.

So why, if the memories are bittersweet, do I find myself rehashing old wounds? I guess it’s because I believe that you can never really move forward till you’ve let go of the past. Till you’ve had closure and understand the reasons behind the reasons. It has been a while, more than a year… almost two… Moments of remembering ar now far and between still I know I have yet to fully recover. Each time I take one step forward I brace myself for the fear that tries to overpower me. The insecurity that overwhelms me. The thing is, how does one move on? Literally move on. I find myself wanting to escape to a new life, a new city, a new job, new friends and most importantly wanting a new me. I want it so much I can feel it to the depths of my soul.

William Shakespeare says, "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

I did all three. But I guess I should focus more on number two next time. Some people just don't know how to handle love; they end up hurting you instead of loving you back. Might it be true that not all people deserve to be loved?

Still, I remember that night quite vividly. I remember the feeling. I realized that emotional ties may simply come to erode and fray with time and, finally (unexpectedly), snap one day. I discovered that hearts may (in fact, may even need to)…someday…simply let go.

Sleep Anyone?

If you haven't gone through chronic insomnia you can NOT believe the horror of the thing. If you haven't tossed all night without a wink and faced this torture nightly, then you cannot believe the terror that brings kings to their knees. If you haven't dragged yourself around blearily the day after, apologizing to all that you didn't sleep a wink, you can NOT imagine the grogginess and emotional suffering that goes with it and the way people come to believe you're a nut or at very least, a secret cocaine addict. Or worse, they think that you're such a passionate female that with your single lifestyle, you simply cannot relax, ever. That you're obviously 'not getting any!' (and MOM, if you're reading this, I meant that in the most wholesome sense of the word!)

.

If you have this cannot punch-your-own-lights out condition, and the ancillary embarrassment, you GOTTA get power over it. Fatigue is the cause of fear, anxiety and chronic depression. Fatigue AGES and leaves the door open for serious mental problems including schizophrenia, paranoia, all of which can be caused by a lack of sleep! Most of us just have poor FOCUS from those two hour nights, but isn't that enough?

.

You can click on this lick to see a detailed description as to what insomnia is and help you try to cure it. http://www.help-me-to-sleep.com/insomnia/

.

Now, if only it were that simple.

Serenity

--Reinhold Niebuhr

.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Seriously

Seriously. It's an awesome word. Said correctly, it can convey sarcasm, dismay, disbelief, a sense of moral and ethical superiority and gentle chastising punishment all at once. Seriously.
.
Although it's been a long-standing expression of mine, I've picked it up again over the weekend during my Grey's anatomy DVD marathon. I actually finished season 1 & 2 during my weekend hibernation without any hiccups. Ok that was a weekend an a half. I decided to take the two days complimentary leave I had to give myself some "me" time. I quite liked it really, Grey's anatomy, if not for Meredith Grey being such a wimp and a disgrace to all women every now and then. But I guess it's here flawed nature that endears her to most viewers. Her lack of good judgement during a crisis reminds us all of ourselves. And who am I to judge really? If I myself am nothing but flawed as well. The thing I like most about shows like these though is that I get to play the 'what if?' game. I ask myself what would I do if faced with that kind of situation. Then I grade myself depending on the level of the intellectual and emotional maturity of my answers. I know, I really do need to get a life. But hey, it's all good.

.

Overall though, despite the fact that Meredith Grey is so spineless and Mcdreamy being a wimp, there are some charachters that help salvage the show. I cried buckets on the last show of the second season when Izzy fell in love with a heart transplant who in the end died. I also like Alex, probably the least liked of all five interns. He can be such an arrogant pig but I feel that there's really more to him than he's willing to show. I bet he is deliberately trying to be an ass to protect himself from geting hurt. I can't wait to see the third season and see how the characters of Izzy and Alex develop. One of my favorite scenes is when the wife of Mcdreamy, Addison, shows up and says to Meredith, "you must be the girl who's scrwing my husband". Hah! There's just something so satisfying in that kind of in-your-face attitude. (That says a lot about me huh?)
.
Well anyway, one of the reasons I went in hibernation last weekend was to figure out what I wanted to do in my life. Or at least what I wanted to do in the next year or so. I went through brochures and figured out my plan of action. First of all, I've finally scheduled an appointment with the freaking dentist. I know, big deal. But I've put it off for as long as I can so believe me when I say that this is a good thing.
.
I've looked into the classes I'd like to take, the tests, and some courses. I'm not going to go into details since I could be a bit superstitious about these things believing that if you tell the whole world then it won't happen. I still need to prepare a more detailed plan but I'm happy knowing that I'm on the road to recovery.
.
Seriously.

Drama

"Drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back..."

Let it Rain!

I woke thinking that of an excuse not to go to work today. Who am I kidding? I think that everyday. Today was special though since I could use the thundering rain as an excuse. So I slept for a few more minutes, ok..30 more minutes. Being the good person I am though, I called in and told them I was going to be late. Apparently evrybody had the same sentiment so I when I got to th office there were only a couple of people.
.
I'm probably the only person enjoying the rain. I'm one of those few people who gets really happy when it rains. I can't help it, it's just perfect bed weather. And I do luv my bed.
.
I'm happy because last night was pretty fun. My friends and I decided to hold a get together in my place. There were about eight of us trying to squeeze in. Take note that my unit is probably only good for 4 people. I was tempted to ask the others to stand in the toilet but I thought that might be a bit rude. It was really fun though since I didn't have enough utensils so we had to go back to basics. It was either that or use chopsticks for roast chicken. We're nationalistic though so we ended up using our hands. Imagine what the Canadian people would have to say. Just try it buster! Ok, I'm getting side-tracked again. Anyway, it was great, we took some pictures and gossiped a lot. That's mostly how we spent the evening really, we gossiped and made fun of people. You should try it sometime, it's a great stress reliever. Much better than those squeegee balls.
.
So here I am. Wishing I took the day off, stayed in bed and watched DVDs. I'm now seriously thinking of buying some new DVDs. Maybe "Grey's Anatomy" just to see what the hype is all about. I was thinking of getting the latest season of "Gilmore Girls" but that might just be a bit too nerdy of me. Hmm, decisions decisions.
.
Shit. I have to get back to work.

...

“If you can’t be with the one you love…love the life you live.”

Ho hum

So I basically spen the whole weekend watching pirated DVDs. I was hooked on this new (well, at least in this country) tv series called "House". Another medical show that would somewhat remind you of CSI or some other forensic file type of show. The thing I like most about this show is the sarcastic humor of Dr.House, a controversial doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients. Of course, it helps that I find one of his co-stars the australian Dr. Chase kinda cute. I'm into the smart-cute-silent type now.
.
Ok, so there's only so much tublerous sclerosis, sarcoidosis, arrhytmia and lumbar punctures one can take. After a while it can get kinda predictable and you get kinda tired of all the slicing and dicing of people. And the female doctor got a bit annoying in the end for always being so emotional, I would think that she is starting to give women a bad image. What I really liked though was that the Dr.House chose fellows who were real. Not only were they smart but they were grounded too, one even had a criminal record. And did I say I liked the dry wit and sarcastic humor of the cast. I learned a lot.
.
So yes, I don't think the weekend was a complete waste. I even took yesterday off since I really felt I over did it at work last week. I just might get more DVDs later...

Socks & Friends

"choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color, choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable..."

Sleep...

.

.

"Sleep is my bestfriend and my worst enemy..."

I Pray Because...

I pray because I am young, inexperienced;
And there is my whole life ahead of me
And to be able to travel and journey this road of life
I need strength.
.
I pray because there is much confusion in my life;
And to know what is right
I need guidance.
.
I pray because I have my own doubts and uncertainties;
And to keep growing in my faith
I need encouragement.
.
I pray because I must make decisions;
Sometimes serious and crucial decisions,
But the choices are not always clear
So I need direction.
.
I pray because many times I feel so lost, down,
Troubled, lonely – at times even wanting to give up
And to keep going
I need comfort and consolation.
.
I pray because there are things, which I do not understand;
Cannot comprehend and I become afraid – like pain,
Suffering, injustice, death – evil all around me –
And to be able to face and deal with themI need courage.
.
I pray because at times I go proud, vain, arrogant, conceited;
And to be reminded of my true nature – a sinful creature
I need to be humbled.
.
I pray because I have come to realize
That most of what I have has just been given to me –
And they are not really mine – So I must give thanks.
.
And most of all, I pray because
Jesus our Lord himself prayed, to the Father, to our Father
And if he considered it of value…so must I.

Oh Crap!

Ok, I know. I’m so bloody negative it’s starting to make your ears ring. But isn’t that what blogging is all about? An outlet for you to bitch about every possible thing that could go wrong in your life. Heck, you can even bitch about someone else’s life!

.

So yes, this is my blog where I complain about a lot of things, including my lack of success and whine about mundan things that no one cares about.
.
I know, I know. I’m a crappy writer. I don't even deserve to be called one. God knows though that I have to start practicing if I ever want to get anywhere on those freaking essays!
.
Some days, the words come easily. Sometimes, though, there are simply too many...way too many...thoughts. It’s hard to craft a sentence when thoughts (or fragments thereof) clamor incessantly inside my skull, begging. It doesn't help either that these thoughts usually present themselves in the middle of the night, when everything falls silent. If only I could remember what it was exactly I wanted to express, if I could form my words just so it’s coherent enough to make some bloody sense instead of all this verbal mush coming out of my mouth! ( Or in this case, my fingers.)
.
It’s a trap though, the words “if only”. Once you start, an endless string of problems would follow. If only this, if only that would never end. The envy, the jealousy, the regret would begin.
.
It’s an ugly phrase, “if only”.
.
It's almost as bad as “I didn’t think”.
.
I think I just lost my train of thought here...

My Friend

“Friends interested in each other at the soul level do not simply look at each other’s lives and listen to each other’s intentions and explanations. They look at this third thing that is the soul, and in that mutual gaze they find and sustain their friendship.”

.
I've been procrastinating over this for a few days now. Trying to figure out a way to face up to how I feel and trying to find the courage to voice it out.
.

You see, my best friend for 10 years is getting married. Though it's not unheard of, I’m not really happy about it. I know, what kind of a selfish bitch am I?!
.
I can probably give you a million reasons why I think she shouldn't get married…But really, is it really about her? or is it just about me? Instead of bitching about it let me tell you a little bit about this friend of mine…
.
She's Patient, you have to be to be able to put up with my crap. We've only had a few disagreements (if I can even call it that) but mostly it's my fault really. You see, I can be such a drama queen sometimes that even I irritate the hell out of myself.
.
She's great with kids. Yes people, she's a teacher. I have to admit that not a lot of people give a great deal of respect to this profession but seeing her dedication has brought a new light to it.
.
She's passionate. Ok, you have to be to be able to work with children every single day of your life. Remember all those four letter words? (not the rude ones people!) She's an expert at those.
.
Faith. She’s one of those people who’s faith in God is so strong that she doesn’t have to brag about it. She’s the person I run to when I need prayers coz you’re sure that he will listen to her.
.
She never preaches. You see, I’m weary of people who brags about their faith then turn out to be hypocrites. It's one of my major disappointments in life yet she never pushes, she simply understands.
.
She has a great sense of humor. (though sometimes really corny!) They say you can tell how smart a person is by their sense of humor. I mean where can you ever find someone who would voluntarily associate themself with the bananas in pyjamas duo?!
.
She over analyzes. Ok that’s not exactly a good thing, but in my book that’s good. That means you’re smart and you’re not a pushover and that’s exactly how she is.
.
I can probably enumerate a million good qualities about her. Maybe you'll get it and maybe you won't. The important thing is I do, I get it. She's my best friend and I love her. She’s the sister I never had. We’re so similar sometimes (I just whine a whole lot more) yet so different.
.

Our lives has been slowly moving towards different directions that sometimes I’m not sure if our destiny will meet again or if it will continue in this direction. I guess this is one of those things where only time will tell.

.

For now, I'm just glad that she's found her happiness. And if he ever hurts her I will break that bugger in half.

Ignorance

Someone once said that ignorance was bliss. Hmm, I don’t know about you but I’m with the dude that said information is power.
.
I watched the documentary directed by Michael Moore the other day and it astounds me just how ignorance of a person is just as bad as an incurable disease.
.
Don’t get me wrong, I come from a country where corruption is simply laughed at. So there really is no use for the pot to call the kettle black. But seriously, it amazes me how conscience is simply a word of the past.
.
In my line of work I’ve met a lot of foreigners. Some of them are nice while the others make me wonder if they were ever loved by their mothers. Occasionally I would meet someone who thinks that we still live in trees. I like to laugh at their face and at their ignorance. I pity them sometimes. Other times I think that it’s mainly ignorance that brings countries to war.
.
Do you think if people just paid more attention to their government, the United States would be at war right now? Maybe, but maybe they would be at war with the right people. And maybe, just maybe lives wouldn’t be lost for nothing.

Empty...

Sometimes I feel so empty inside. Like there's this hollow feeling that I just can't explai. I'm walking around as if nothing is wrong, giving life the impression that I exist. But that's all I am right now, I exist.

.

Everything feels so superficial right now. Reacting the right way and answering the right questions, people will never suspect anything. Everything's just skin deep. Nothing touches you anymore.
.
Nothing...

The Real Life (3 Doors Down)

I wanted to find somewhere to hide and I opened up and let those fears inside and I wanted to be anyone else only to find that there was no one there but me
.
but I woke up to the real life and I realized It's not worth running from anymore when there was nowhere left to hide I found out that nothings real here but I won't stop now until I find a better part of me
.
I let those hard days get me down and all the things I hate got in my way I could've screamed without a sound I found myself silenced by those things they say
.
but I woke up to the real life and I realized It's not worth running from anymore when there was nowhere left to hide I found out that nothings real here but I won't stop now until I find a better part of me thats out there somewhere and It cant be that far away thats where I'll find myself and I'll find my way out that's where I'll find out
.
but I woke up to the real life and I realized It's not worth running from anymore when there was nowhere left to hide I found out that nothings real here but I won't stop now until I find a better part of me

A wiser man..

They say travel makes a man wiser, that travel would open you up to other people's lives and show you that there is more to this world. In turn you become a better person without all the prejudices that surrounds us...
.
Uhm...What was I saying?

Work

I work for this guy. Sometimes he's an ungrateful bastard, other times I just don't care...

I am who I am and not who I want to be...

As I sit at my desk trying to figure out a way to outsmart my boss, I find myself thinking for the hundredth time today, there's really gotta be more to life than the everyday crap we people have to deal with.

.

This is my second attempt at a blogger's life. I thought to myself "why bother?". But then again, why bother about anything at all?

.

I sit here thinking of a way to do my work and yet not have to do it at all. Makes any sense? I used to love my job. I even used to think I had it better than most by having such a cool job. Not to mention that some people might even think it noble. But I'm not happy, and that just doesn't constitute a cool job if you're not happy. Oh it's not as if it's any secret, my discontentment. Some of my friends think I should just quit and find something else. My answer to that is I'm not a quitter. I say it with such conviction that even I believe it myself. But the truth is I'm scared. I'm scared shitless as to what the real world out there would be like. I've gotten used to getting things my way, embarassing as it is to admit, but I'm one of those who's afraid to get out of her comfort zone. Believe me though when I say that I rarely show it. In fact, some people know me as the independent girl who's got a mind of her own..does what she wants and doesnt feel sorry for herself. Partly true I guess, except for the feeling sorry part, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared.

.

I'm just plain old scared. Pathetic huh?

.

Oh come on! Spare me the crap! How many of you worked for crappy jobs and did the same old crappy thing everyday? Then thought to themselves when is this shit ever going to end??!

.

I am not alone I know. But wherever you are, whoever you are...You must know how it feels like to struggle with life everyday.

.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to think that although I'm scared I'm stronger than I think I am. We all are. Someone once told me that sometimes you shouldn't think about what you're going to do, that sometimes you just have to do it.

.

Just do it! I sound like a freaking advertisement! But seriously, think about it. Remember those times when you were young and you would do things and damn the consequences? Wouldn't life be a mess if we kept doing it that way though?

.

Sometimes I think that life would probably be better if we just run away. Just drop everything and run away from all the crap. But then we all know for a fact that crap has a way of catching up with you right? Man, whoever said life's a bitch definitely knew what she was talking about!