It's Time For

Change is just around the corner and I'm scared. I know. I'm twenty something years old and I'm afraid of the unknown. You would think that getting to this point in my life didn't involve change. As my mom would say Holy Mackarel!

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That's what I get for staying in my comfort zone. I got comfortable.

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Just think. This time next month, things would be so different. How different I'm not sure. I don't know what to do yet. So I'm not doing anything. As I said, I'm fucking scared.

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Now do I go join that tribe or do I play it safe and run to mommy?

Why?

Sometimes I surprise myself how stupid I get. Really...I shouldn't even be surprised anymore but I've always prided myself to be quite level headed. Independence and wisdom when it comes to life altering decisions is what I value in life...

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But there are moments..Moments of weakness when I seem to lose my direction. Sometimes I wonder where this stupidity will lead me. But you know, the thing is, I'm fully aware that these are stupid decisions. I wonder if my Mother ever felt the same way since God knows she's made somemajor mistakes in her life. The stupid thing is, I seem to be doing the same thing with mine. Much worse really. The guilt and worry I can live with but for how long and at what cost I don't know. I've always been pretty smart, I can usually tell how things are going to end. But if that's the case, why can't I stop myself?

Last Night

I was lying in bed last night holding the hand of my eight year old niece as she was trying her best to fall asleep despite the fact that she was shaking in fear. She had convinced herself that we were surrounded by ghosts. But as I held her small hand in mine, i suddenly had a flashback...

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I was on a plane, crying uncontrollably. I remember the feeling vividly but everything else was fuzzy. I remember feeling that my heart just a little bit more that day. It was as if I was holding my heart and saw that the cracks in it just got a little bit bigger. I had just left New York then. I was on my way back to my country. But the person that mattered most to me I left behind. There was a girl sitting next to me looking, or maybe she was saying it, that whatever it was it couldn't be that bad. You see, it wasn't just anyone I left behind. It was my mom. The thing that I'm still trying to figure out to this day is who left who.