The American Dream

A few days ago, I purchased a local sim card for my phone. Turned out that the guy selling phone accessories was Filipino as well. We talked for a bit while he was trying to sell me on the advantages of getting the stupid sim card from him. I told him I was just visiting then he asked me why not just stay. Here in America. As in TNT and hide from Immigration and hope for the best.

It took me two seconds to think about it and yet it was like so much went through my mind. The first thing I thought was "why should I?". Not that I'm a snob or anything but I never really got that urge to escape to America. I mean, I have a good job, I'm independent and well, I just don't want too. But while people around me thought that going to the states was the answer to their problems, and I admit that for awhile I thought that too. I don't think I ever believed it but I remember thinking it but I never acted on it no matter how many chances I had.

The thing is, I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to figure out where I want to settle down. I work in Papua New Guinea, I go home to the Philippines every 8 weeks and I'm now in LA. I just feel that something's gotta give. I can't go on like this right? I gotta put down some roots right? Otherwise, I just may end up alone and not have a place to call home. I guess that's what this really is about, home. I'm trying to figure out where I should spend the prime of my life. I'm thinking that I should pick a country and just pop up. What do you think? I'm thinking France...or maybe New Zealand? or Perth! I don't know..I have to give it some serious thought. The Japanese girl that I currently share an apartment with just popped up here in LA. Of course she speaks english but the point is, if she can do it surely so can I right? Right. Now if only I know what I want.

Gawd, She's Hot!

Santa Monica

Someday I'm going to buy myself a house by the beach. I'm also going to have a yellow labrador and I'm going to call him George. So there.

Want Some Cheese?

I just noticed that I seem to whine a lot in my blog. Don't worry I'm not really like that in person. Really. I hate whiny people. But when it gets tough you gotta have a way to vent right? So a whining blog it is. Hah!

Anyway, I'm still freezing. I'm still procrastinating and not doing any work. And I'm hating on whiny people right now. I mean, so you didn't get things your way! Boo-the fuck-hoo! Get over it! That's life man! Sometimes it's just the way it is.

Wait a minute. I'm talking about someone else, not me. Although I'm one to talk! Sheesh! Talk about the pot and the kettle.

Whatever. Just stop whining and get out of my face!

The City of Angels

Spending the holidays in Los Angeles turned out to be alright for me. I came here expecting the worse with my mom being sick and not having any other relatives in this part of the United States, I thought it would be extremely stressful for me. But thankfully, my mother's recovering and I'm getting some time off walking the streets of downtown Los Angeles. (not to mention all the shopping! shhh!)

The only drawback really is the weather. It's 5 C out there and as much as I like the cold, I have a feeling I'm getting too old for it. I'm just sooo dry! And I've never really been that type of girl that slops on all kinds of greasy lotions. Albeit I think it's safe to say that I AM that type of girl that likes buying all those things especially with Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works just around the corner! (Gawd just thinking about it gets me all giddy!) But so anyway, yeah, I'm dry. My skin is just so flaky and dry, not that it's something I should be proud of but I have no idea how people function in the cold. Some days I really just want to hide under the comforter and stay in bed all day. But then, where's the adventure in that?! So, despite the cold and dryness, I always try to find the courage to go out in the cold and explore. So far, I can say that I'm liking LA. People are really friendly over here. And with the help of the internet, getting around is pretty easy. I've almost gotten used to waking up to someone honking their horn to the tune of "La Cucaracha" and being called purr-ty once in a while. Also, sharing an apartment with 2 Japanese yuppies is pretty cool given the fact that I just lo-ove Japanese food. Not that there's a connection really, but if I love the food then the people should be just as nice. :-)

Flying Home

You know all that crap about home being where the heart is? Well, what if you don't know where your heart's at? What if you go through your days acting like a nomad and living out of a suitcase? That's exactly how I've been feeling for the past year. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel. The excitement of packing and flying off to a new destination and everything that comes with it. I even like the fact that there's nothing holding me back (relationship-wise at least). But when the time comes for me to go home, I pause and think to myself "where exactly is that?". In my weak moments, it makes me sad to be so unsure, to feel as if I don't really belong anywhere... During those times I tell myself that someday, someday I'll find that place and maybe find that person. In the meantime, I'm trying my best not to hold my breath!

So what brought about this contemplative mood again? Well, I'm supposed to fly home this weekend for my (working) Christmas break. And again I get that feeling of not really belonging. I only call it home because of my nationality, but aside from that nothing really holds me to that place. Of course I visit a few relatives almost out of obligation, but aside from that really there's nothing else. So again I ask myself when will I ever be just content with what I have? What's missing? What's so wrong with the way things are? When will I ever find the bloody answers?!

Waste of Space

I hate to say it, but some people are born to be assholes. Or maybe their mothers turned them into one. I don't know. The point is some people can be such a disappointment? I mean if you can't be a decent person then the least you can do is stay away from decent people.

There's this guy I know, he walks around thinking that he's all that. He likes to knock people down first and then show them that he, and he alone hold the tools to pick them up - and then they're eternally grateful. It's a strange way to make himself important. To me, it's just hypocrisy.

Anyhow, I'm not really a person that likes to bow down and give you what you want. Which is probably why I'm like a target to people like him. It's pretty difficult to deal with a bitch like me especially when you're an asshole. Thank god I can be such a bitch!

Discovery Channel: I Love This!

PC vs. MAC

"Where are you headed? To something or someone good or are you just spending your life wading through one day to the next?"

Coincidence

Is there such a thing as pure coincidence?

I've wondered all my life about what has happened to him? To the man I called 'dad'..Most of the time I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never find out. But a part of me, just a small part, is still hoping that maybe one day I will get the answers I am looking for.

It's weird. I feel that I need to know, the need to find him. It's probably because there's no closure. Funny coz at times whenI try to analyze myself (which I admit is quite often) I know that all my issues is somehow connected to him. The feelings of inadequacy, distrust, suspicion, abandonment and all the toppings that go with it can be directly connected to my relationship (or lack thereof) with him.

The only good thing about this whole thing is I get to push things out of my mind. It's not that hard to pretend. Pretend that everything's ok? Fine. I can pretend when I really have to. Except for moments like these. For some weird twist of fate, it turns out that (get this!) the boyfriend of the half-sister of my half-brother has the same name as him. I can even see some similarities ( or it's probably my over-active imagination). Are they related? I don't know. And I don't think I'll ever have the courage to find out. Still...the wheels of my mind are turning, again. And, as I said, it could simply be a coincidence and it probably is. It's just that a small part of me is hoping that it's not a coincidence. Maybe..just maybe, if it's not then I can finally have the closure that's been long overdue.

"No one would love me if they knew, all the things I hide..."

Bothered..

I always knew that I would be back someday. I knew that I couldn’t really stay away. Ever since I was little I always had to find a way to express what I felt inside or shall I say vent. Yes, I’m the rant and rave type of person but that’s beside the point really. Usually when I feel sad or lost I write. Not exactly a good thin is it? I’m not even good at it. Occasionally even I get tired of hearing or in this case reading about myself whining at every little injustice that the world has dealt me.

So why am I back? I guess I’ve already established that I’m lost. Again. Shit. What a fuck-up! I know, I know. I keep telling myself that I’m going to have to grow up someday and I swear, I keep waiting for it to happen. Someone once said to me, right after he asked me my age (which I’m not going to share with the blogging world), that I was barely out of nappies. I replied by saying that sometimes I feel like I’m still wearing them. And at that moment I swear I meant every word. Life’s just too fucked up you know. You always keep wanting more, never content on what you have. Yes they say that you should strive for the best. But when does it ever stop? When will this hypocrisy end? And when, for chrissake, will I ever learn my lesson?!

So here I am again. Alone. Lost. And wandering aimlessly in this farce called life. It’s just so damn ironic how some people would work their whole lives hoping to achieve what comes naturally to me everyday. The places I’ve been to, the things I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, it’s nothing short of amazing. And yet, I want more. And I’m not sure if I’m in the right state of mind, body and soul to want more. Sigh…