"No one would love me if they knew, all the things I hide..."

Bothered..

I always knew that I would be back someday. I knew that I couldn’t really stay away. Ever since I was little I always had to find a way to express what I felt inside or shall I say vent. Yes, I’m the rant and rave type of person but that’s beside the point really. Usually when I feel sad or lost I write. Not exactly a good thin is it? I’m not even good at it. Occasionally even I get tired of hearing or in this case reading about myself whining at every little injustice that the world has dealt me.

So why am I back? I guess I’ve already established that I’m lost. Again. Shit. What a fuck-up! I know, I know. I keep telling myself that I’m going to have to grow up someday and I swear, I keep waiting for it to happen. Someone once said to me, right after he asked me my age (which I’m not going to share with the blogging world), that I was barely out of nappies. I replied by saying that sometimes I feel like I’m still wearing them. And at that moment I swear I meant every word. Life’s just too fucked up you know. You always keep wanting more, never content on what you have. Yes they say that you should strive for the best. But when does it ever stop? When will this hypocrisy end? And when, for chrissake, will I ever learn my lesson?!

So here I am again. Alone. Lost. And wandering aimlessly in this farce called life. It’s just so damn ironic how some people would work their whole lives hoping to achieve what comes naturally to me everyday. The places I’ve been to, the things I’ve seen, the people I’ve met, it’s nothing short of amazing. And yet, I want more. And I’m not sure if I’m in the right state of mind, body and soul to want more. Sigh…

Time Out

I'm currently on a blogging break since it doesn't make sense to try and keep online when most of the time I'm out in the "Bush". I hope to continue blogging again someday since this is my only way to vent out my frustrations in life. For now I guess I should just be content with writing my thoughts down on scraps of paper...at least that's much better than writing them down on leaves!

Lost Again

A few days ago I was bawling my eyes out over something my aunt said. Let's just say that the skeletons in my closet came rushing out and my insecurities were staring me in the eyes mocking me. So question myself I did with questions about my worth and my direction in life. It sucks to be me I tell you. One minute I'm unbreakable, the next I feel so worhtless.

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This change I'm going thru is taking it's toll on me I swear. Why are we so scared of the unknown? Isn't there a saying about going with the flow and rolling with the punches or something like that. I hate weak people so I try to be strong but the truth is inside, I feel weak too at times.

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When is it going to end?

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Yes. The time has finally come. In exactly ten days from now I'm taking off to a new country and a new job. Well, it's nothing really glamorous but the pay is good.

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There's just so much to think about. I haven't even started packing! I'm giving up my apartment so you can just imagine the amount of packing that needs to get done. It's quite alright though since when I have nothing to do I just imagine how and where to put my things. Now if I could just get off my ass and actually do it that would be great!

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The thing that's bothering me the most I guess is that I literally don't know when I'll be back again. So I start out with a 5 month consultancy contract then I decide what to do with my life then. But if I were brutally honest with myself, I'm hesitating because of a certain person. Aww, shit! What to do? What to do? Nothing is forever I know but here I am dragging my feet when I knew from the start that this is just going nowhere...

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Anyway, yes! I'm going to a place that's known to have cannibals. And since I consider myself on the yummy side I just might be in over my head. Goodluck to me! Who would've known that a country with cannibals would hire me as a consultant huh? But it's a step-up for my career really. And if they decide that they don't like my work then it's really no big loss unless they decide to eat me. Hahaha! Seriously though, I don't think I'm actually going to encounter cannibals but as I say, never get yourself in situations you can't get out of. (Yes people! That includes relationships!)

I'm a Mess

Yes that's right. I'm a mess. Pfft! And the corny thing is that you wouldn't even know it. I'm a mess inside. Ew! How cheesy can I get?!

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The thing is, I got a job offer a week after I found out I was losing my current job. I should be ecstatic right? Wrong! I mean it's great and a once in a lifetime thing and here I am fretting over the small stuff. What the fuck right?! Tsk. The thing is, we all know it's the small stuff that counts. It's what matters.

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Now that day is fast approaching. I have to leave in exactly 12 days unless I find a way to postpone it. But that's it. I HAVE to leave sooner or later. No ifs and no buts. I know, I know. I'm a big believer in the fact that we always have a choice. It's just that we don't always like the alternative. I finally bit the bullet and sent in that email accepting that assignment. It will upset a lot of people, my family mostly. But the alternative? I don't think I could handle giving up my independence. I've been alone too long.

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I'm leaving...Will you miss me? Will you even think of me? I shouldn't have gotten too comfortable in my comfort zone huh? I've always known that nothing lasts forever but it still doesn't take away the sting when it things actually turn into a reality. I never thought that I would feel this way but I will miss you so much. A part of me wants to keep holding on but deep down I know, that if I don't learn to let go, that will be my downfall, that will break me. God, what did I get myself into? I've always had a plan and I'm sticking to it. But at what cost? I just hope that at the end of our road we will come out of this ok. A few scratches here and there. But ok. Maybe even happier.

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You know what scares me at this moment? It's that you will forget me. That you will move on and handle things much better than I do. And right now, I pray to God that he gives me the strength to handle whatever comes my way.

Haywire

Someone once said that if you wanted to make God laugh then you should tell him your plans.

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Well, he must be rolling on the floor right now then!

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I mean shit man! Things are just getting complicated by the minute it's so stupid. You would think that I was some green kid fresh out of school instead of an adult completely capable of taking care of herself.

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God I'm so confused with what to do with my life! Exactly three weeks from now, I will be out of a job. And here I am still fretting over what to do. The thing that sucks is that whatever I do, it will affect a lot of people. Well, at least people I care about. Oh well...

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Anyway, I just saw the movie Transformers. I've seen it twice actually. I actually liked it. At first I wasn't going to go but after the being nagged to death by my brother I decided to give in and I haven't regretted my decision yet. Except when my brother keeps repeating to him and everyone else "I'm Optimus Prime. 18 wheeler!" over and over again. Only then do I fight with the temptation to throw my shoe at him!!

It's Time For

Change is just around the corner and I'm scared. I know. I'm twenty something years old and I'm afraid of the unknown. You would think that getting to this point in my life didn't involve change. As my mom would say Holy Mackarel!

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That's what I get for staying in my comfort zone. I got comfortable.

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Just think. This time next month, things would be so different. How different I'm not sure. I don't know what to do yet. So I'm not doing anything. As I said, I'm fucking scared.

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Now do I go join that tribe or do I play it safe and run to mommy?

Why?

Sometimes I surprise myself how stupid I get. Really...I shouldn't even be surprised anymore but I've always prided myself to be quite level headed. Independence and wisdom when it comes to life altering decisions is what I value in life...

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But there are moments..Moments of weakness when I seem to lose my direction. Sometimes I wonder where this stupidity will lead me. But you know, the thing is, I'm fully aware that these are stupid decisions. I wonder if my Mother ever felt the same way since God knows she's made somemajor mistakes in her life. The stupid thing is, I seem to be doing the same thing with mine. Much worse really. The guilt and worry I can live with but for how long and at what cost I don't know. I've always been pretty smart, I can usually tell how things are going to end. But if that's the case, why can't I stop myself?

Last Night

I was lying in bed last night holding the hand of my eight year old niece as she was trying her best to fall asleep despite the fact that she was shaking in fear. She had convinced herself that we were surrounded by ghosts. But as I held her small hand in mine, i suddenly had a flashback...

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I was on a plane, crying uncontrollably. I remember the feeling vividly but everything else was fuzzy. I remember feeling that my heart just a little bit more that day. It was as if I was holding my heart and saw that the cracks in it just got a little bit bigger. I had just left New York then. I was on my way back to my country. But the person that mattered most to me I left behind. There was a girl sitting next to me looking, or maybe she was saying it, that whatever it was it couldn't be that bad. You see, it wasn't just anyone I left behind. It was my mom. The thing that I'm still trying to figure out to this day is who left who.

I Believe

I believe in the fundamental truth of all great religions of the world. I believe that they are all God-given and I believe that they were necessary for the people to whom these religions were revealed. And I believe that if only we could all of us read the scriptures of the different faiths from the standpoints of the followers of these faiths, we should find that they were at bottom all one and were all helpful to one another.

- Mahatma Gandhi

Horoscope Schmoroscope

You can’t easily mend a broken heart but you can certainly stop the damage before it gets any worse…

That’s what my horoscope says today. Now what the hell is that supposed to mean??

It means… Dream on dude!

Lost and Wandering

A million things have been going through my mind these past few days... (Ok, so it’s been months!) And as I struggle to get past them, these thoughts that somehow translate into my mood for the moment, it seems that there’s just no getting past them. Not until I face them. Now I could probably put it down to PMS but knowing me, it doesn’t really matter, on way or the other I have to let it out. Somehow I’ve been cursed with being transparent like that.

As I struggle to force myself to sleep tonight, I think about my past. The things I’ve been thru, the friends I’ve lost, and how I lost them. I think about my present, the discontentment that I’ve been feeling, the choices I have made. And the future, what it would feel like to just walk away from it all.

There are moments when I feel the weight of the world…how it hasn’t been fair. And although I often go through bouts of self-pity just to keep things well balanced (yeah right!) I often wonder what it was that I did to deserve the things I’ve been through. And boy, the things I’ve been through. Yes, just like the next person, there are a few people out there that know bits and pieces of me and there are those that think they know me. But no one, not a single soul knows the whole truth. And at the rate things are going, I don’t think anyone ever will. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find the courage to share myself…so far, the answer has remained to be a resounding NO.

I know my thoughts are quite incoherent, aren’t they? I’ve just been so bothered, so lost. And try as I might, I don’t think there’s any way to straighten them out. Hopefully one day I will find the answers to my questions and maybe, just maybe I will also find myself and I will no longer be lost.

Son of a Fucking Bitch!

So they blocked blogger. Fuck!

Yes. That’s the reason why I haven’t been around for the past few months.

The assholes blocked it.

I hope they go to hell. I know, I know… office hours etc. etc.

Fuck off!

Happy new Year

As the clock struck twelve midnight signaling the start of 2006 last year, I remember telling myself that 2006 would be a good year for me. I was letting go of all that stupid angst and dramas in my life.
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I was taking control.
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Today I look back and feel like everything just passed me by so quickly. I've been consumed by all the bad things going on around me, trying to survive, that I guess I forgot to really live my life. I guess that's part of the reason why I don't like the Christmas season so much. It makes you take stock of things, blessings as well as failures.
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Too be honest though...I feel like the end is near for me. No, nothing morbid! I'm too much of a bitch to dwell on such pathetic sel-pity. I save that for special occassions. I just mean that I'm feeling that I'm about to give up and walk away from all of it soon. I'm trying to hang in there just so I don't do anything I'll regret but as I said, the end is near. I feel like a new chapter of my life is about to happen and if I don't get off my ass then I might live to regret it.
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The thing is, just like all good plans, perfect timing and execution is important. Without that, then you just might end up looking like a spoiled brat.
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Oh well..

Moving On

A whole month.

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I haven't posted anything for a whole month. Ok, the truth is they blocked my blogger in the office and well...that sorta depressed me in a way.

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You see, it's like there's a war. And you never let your enemy find out your weakness. Well, they found out I blogged and they took that away. It pissed me off coz blogging helped me cope with the shittiness of it all. But what's done is done.

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It's sad when you have to wake up everyday and you feel like shit. It's no joke when you work with people who are probably spawns of the devil himself. I can't imagine how you can sleep at night when you are such a spiteful person. What a waste of space. But there's nothing I can do for now I guess except bitch about it. Life goes on.

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Let's just hope I still have enough strength to get through this.

Do unto others...

I work with assholes, assholes and more assholes. Oh yes, some of them are idiots too.

There's something sweet when you're around long enough to witness someone get their bad karma. I mean, for over a year no, I've kept my cool. Today, all those that they considered allies are actually enemies. And here I am on the sidelines, watching them fall apart. You know how it is...divide and conquer.

As evil as that sounds though, I actually think that a little karma is nothing after I put up with all kinds of harrassment from those assholes.

Her kid is in the hospital. His wife is in the hospital too. I don't know, but I am not feeling an ounce of sympathy towards them. In fact, I want more. I want them to feel how they made me feel. I want their children to feel how they make other people feel. And yes, maybe for thinking that way I would get my karma too. But right now, I'm thinking that it just might be worth it.

Bond. James Bond.

I saw the new movie of James Bond over the weekend. Although a lot of people were making a big deal out of the casting of Daniel Craig as the new James Bond, I agree with Ms. Travelocity that "Bond never seemed so hot being so cold!" Another thing, I think that the time has come for Pierce Brosnan to move on. Squeezing another James Bond movie from Mr. Brosnan just might make me gag from too much cheesiness.

I read that apparently, the new James Bond star is sick and tired of being offered a martini everytime he walks in to a bar. He's also fed up of fans asking him if he prefers it "shaken or stirred". (His drink of course!! Get your mind out of the gutter) He says, " I want to chin people who ask me that." Haha And to think he got a lot of crap from people who thought he couldn't hack it. He even got a lot of hate mail from die hard James Bond fans. Hello?? Get a life people! The man may not be Sean Connery but it still is just a movie. Worth $40 million dollars yes, but still just a movie. The world does not revolve around James Bond. (Hey! Sounds like a good title for his next film!!)

So yes, I decided to see for myself what the fuss was about and to be honest I thought that the film was great! Not perfect but still I was pleasantly surprised! Daniel Craig pulled it off plus more. He did a really good job making it look real. He was actually oozing with bad boy sex appeal. Goodness, whatta body! Pierce Brosnan did a great job, but I feel that it was time to move on so don't get me wrong. Apparently so did the producers or so did he since Daniel Craig is now the new Bond. James Bond.

It's definitely worth watching. Just ignore the spider-man stunts and you've got yourself a winner. And for those who will get confused with the end, then just think harder or ask a friend. For a short moment there, I had to use my brain to understand why Vesper (Bond Girl) did what she did.

Bloopers (But who cares right??)

Daniel Craig’s white fire-proof suit is visible in a scene in which he climbs into a burst fuel tanker

007 uses a nail gun to kill one of the villains the final battle, but guns can be fired only when they are pressed up against a hard surface

Vesper’s chest fails to rise during mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

Source: moviemistakes.com

So I did my reserch on Daniel Craig and he had this to say regarding the bruhaha surrounding his role for James Bond:

"I was affected by it - of course I was. What bothered me was that I was being criticized before I had done the work. I wasn't going to get into an argument with these people, so my only response was, 'See the movie and then you have the right to criticize, but first see what I am trying to do.' It strengthened my resolve. I was hurt by it, but it just made me try harder. The pressure was there. I know a lot of people feel very passionate about the Bond movies, but so do I, so I just got on with it. What I tried to achieve was just making a movie people will want to go and see, and I think we have made a great movie. One of the things I was criticized for was that I looked like a bad guy, but I was happy with that because I think true good guys have to step into the dark side to do their job. I wanted people to question Bond's morals and his judgment."

Sleep...I need sleep

It's been such a long week for me. I've had to go to class after work everyday so I'm feeling really tired now.

Although I have short moments where I ask myself if it's worth it, I know that it is. One thing I regret is that I should've done all these things a few years ago then maybe I wouldn't be cramming so much. But I figured that it could worse, I could have taken all these exams and reviews a few years into the future instead of right now. So I should just shut up and pay attention in class.

I have to take major math reviews for the exam I'm planning to take. I went to class the other day, in the first five minutes my eyes were glazing over. After 10 minutes I had a major headache. I'm seriously going to need a miracle in order to ace this exam.

Still, there's something nice about taking classes again, something nice about learning the old fashioned way. Something about going back to a classroom after almost 7 years you know.

Anyway, I got our plane tickets to Singapore today. I asked my friend to send me a fax of her passport. I asked for the front page since it has all the details (Passport number, name, validity etc.). I also asked for the last page since this has the emergency contact numbers and your signature.

So she sent it to me, but she only sent me half the last page. The page for emergency contact numbers was missing, like a piece of paper covered it. I asked her about it, apparently she did cover it since she wrote down her OWN contact numbers.

Gee, in case of an emergency and anything happens to me, like death for instance...call me.

What can I say? She said she wasn't breastfed when she was a kid. Now I know what happens.

Mid - Life Crisis

Got this email from a friend:

Well, it's not really a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 32 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 32 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20 year old. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 52 year old woman.You're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20 year old blond to sleep with and she would see to it that I would once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, sleep on a sofa bed, and watch a 10-inch black and white TV.